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Explaining the UK's drunken porno office party

So more than one in three UK office workers surf for porn at work, it seems. (And PC Advisor's own research suggests a similar proportion of users intend to stick with Windows XP. Is there a correlation between operating system luddites and workplace willy worriers? I think we should be told.)

Email security provider Proofpoint says that a third of UK office workers admit to watching pornography, on their PC, at work. AT WORK. They can't all be employed for Richmond Desmond.

And only 7 percent of those who indulge in such deskbound filth sessions were caught in the act (so to speak).

Clearly, something must be done - the economy is going to wrack and ruin, industry is grinding to a halt, and 33 percent of those charged with doing something about it are slowly going blind looking at what we used to call: 'rude ladies'.

Indeed, if Proofpoint's stats are to be believed (and, let's be honest, they almost certainly aren't), at least one of the Prime Minister, the Chancellor of the Exchequer and the head of the Bank of England is watching something saucy right now. I mean, they work in offices, right? [Ed: remedial maths training for Egan.]

It's a wonder any work gets done: 54 percent of soon-to-be-unemployed white-collar wonders are hitting reply-to-all and sending inappropriate email to all and sundry. One in four of the one-track-minded little filthmongers have sent colleagues naughty emails intended for a lover. And not just at bonus time.

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Perhaps I am jealous, as I scribe away in the bookish confines of PC Advisor towers. Rock 'n roll is alive and well, living it up in office blocks the length and breadth the UK. For instance, 56 percent of cubicle drones admit to 'working' drunk. Even more have been ill at work after over-imbibing.

That, my friends, is a lot of photocopied bottoms.

Perhaps this is why 28 percent of office workers admit to falling asleep at their desks, although with 62 percent of the randy blighters claiming to have 'done rudies' with a colleague, there seems to be plenty to stay awake for.

So, as we slide into recession, does this debauched orgy in the typing pool represent the last days of our very own Roman empire, or is something more subtle occurring? Perhaps Proofpoint's David Stanley can shed some light?

Perhaps not. Stanley says: "A real crossover in the digital realm between personal and professional lives means staff are increasingly relaxed in their use of workplace email and internet.

"Working longer hours and therefore using these technologies more to stay in touch with friends and family can only heighten the risk."

Er, right. Sure.

There is one other explanation. Given that the survey involved only 400 respondents, it's also possible that this is a load of old nonsense designed to drum up some cheap PR for Proofpoint.

I could expound, but it's Friday, I'm at work, and I've got years of drunken porno-surfing to catch up on.

Bottoms up. (And down. Repeatedly.)

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