The Apple iTunes app store offers a host of programs that can do everything from turning your iPhone into a gaming console and a TV remote to software that helps your scout out the best restaurants.

But for every useful app, there's also a fairly pointless one. I hate to be a party pooper, but let's face it: dodgy apps are becoming commonplace on the iPhone.

So which are the worst of the worst? Narrowing them down was tough, but we've dug up 15 of the most painfully pointless and just plain dumb programs the App Store has to offer. We're counting only apps that are currently available - selections that have been banned are another story altogether.

1. FatBurner2k

If you're too lazy to eat right and work out, FatBurner2K is just the app for you - provided, that is, that you're also incredibly gullible.

FatBurner 2K claims to "turn your iPhone into the gym that works on your terms". (Those terms, we assume, are watching Jeremy Kyle while stuffing your face.)

FatBurner's secret: The app makes your iPhone vibrate. Apparently, that tiny vibration, placed upon your massive belly, will magically transform you from Mr Jiggles to Mr McConaughey.

On the plus side, that's 59p you won't be spending on a bar of Dairy Milk.

2. Hair Clinic for Man and Woman

Your iPhone holds the power to keeping your hair looking good. Hair Clinic For Man and Woman claims to be the "world's first mobile hair clinic system". Its makers say the app generates inaudible frequencies that "promote blood circulation around hair root.." All you have to do is move the handset around your scalp while the app sends the frequencies.

If you actually pay £2.39 for this thing, you deserve all the strange looks you'll get for rubbing your shiny phone on your shiny (and, sorry, still balding) head.

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NEXT PAGE: Kiss Me and Passion

  1. The apps that are a waste of time
  2. Kiss Me and Passion
  3. Learn the alphabet the fun way
  4. Rate your farts
  5. Drunk Sniper and Beer Opener
  6. Five runners up


The iPhone has plenty of powerful applications - and it also has things like Beer Opener, Passion, and Sexy Girl Talk. Here are our picks for the 10 most idiotic apps around.

3. Kiss Me

Who doesn't want to put a germ-ridden mobile phone up to his mouth? With Kiss Me, you can do that - and get a meaningless rating of your kissing ability at the same time.

The 59p app asks you to peck a pair of lips displayed on the touchscreen, and then it gives you a 1 to 10 rating based on "how much time and attention you put into your kiss".

Tongue not recommended.

4. Passion

If rating your smooching skills isn't enough, a new app called Passion promises to judge how good you are at going all the way. Passion packs the competition into coitus, offering to measure your performance and lay out how well you lay down.

The full grading formula remains under the covers, but Passion's programmers say the app uses the iPhone's microphone and accelerometer to determine your score.

Of course, the fact that no man has ever actually used the program with a woman in the room makes it hard to tell if the 59p app really works.

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NEXT PAGE: Learn the alphabet the fun way

  1. The apps that are a waste of time
  2. Kiss Me and Passion
  3. Learn the alphabet the fun way
  4. Rate your farts
  5. Drunk Sniper and Beer Opener
  6. Five runners up


The iPhone has plenty of powerful applications - and it also has things like Beer Opener, Passion, and Sexy Girl Talk. Here are our picks for the 10 most idiotic apps around.

5. Sexy Girl Talk: Sexy Alphabet Deluxe

For the lonely man with a linguistic fetish, Sexy Girl Talk is the perfect companion. The app allows you to listen to the letters of the alphabet read aloud "in a sexual and sophisticated way".

And lest you think this is some amateur effort, a "professional voice model" - yes, voice model - speaks the sultry ABCs.

I'm guessing that the same dudes who use the Passion app also keep this one handy.

6. HangTime

Flying into first place for the most asinine app of the bunch, HangTime measures just how high you can throw your fancy phone. That's right: you toss the iPhone up in the air, and the program lets you know how far it goes and how long it takes to come crashing down.

HangTime is priced at 59p, plus the cost of buying a new iPhone when yours inevitably shatters on the ground.

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NEXT PAGE: Rate your farts

  1. The apps that are a waste of time
  2. Kiss Me and Passion
  3. Learn the alphabet the fun way
  4. Rate your farts
  5. Drunk Sniper and Beer Opener
  6. Five runners up


The iPhone has plenty of powerful applications - and it also has things like Beer Opener, Passion, and Sexy Girl Talk. Here are our picks for the 10 most idiotic apps around.

7. Rate a Fart 2.0

Rate a Fart 2.0 brings flatulence and friends together in a truly disturbing fashion. The slightly bloated app lets you listen to a library of more than 700 gas expulsions. And, fittingly, it asks you to record and submit the sounds of your own, uh, musical compositions.

Is this what the Phantom of the Opera had in mind when he sang about 'The Music of the Night'?

8. UK Payphone

Question: When you're actively using an iPhone, what do you definitely not need?

Answer: A public pay phone.

Going through a little Q&A session like that might've been helpful for the developers of UK Payphone, an iPhone app that lets you search for the nearest pay. Now if I could only find a GPS system that would direct me to the nearest cartographer, I'd be set.

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NEXT PAGE: Drunk Sniper and Beer Opener

  1. The apps that are a waste of time
  2. Kiss Me and Passion
  3. Learn the alphabet the fun way
  4. Rate your farts
  5. Drunk Sniper and Beer Opener
  6. Five runners up


The iPhone has plenty of powerful applications - and it also has things like Beer Opener, Passion, and Sexy Girl Talk. Here are our picks for the 10 most idiotic apps around.

9. Drunk Sniper

Target practice meets the toilet with Drunk Sniper, a program designed to let you...well...pretend to pee. The app has you tilt your phone in order to direct a yellow stream into the water. The more you splash, the fewer points you receive.

And with each level, you consume more 'virtual drinks', making it even tougher to hit your target.

Urinating has never been so exciting

10. Beer Opener

I can best describe the problem with Beer Opener by quoting its App Store description: "Experience the joy of opening a cold refreshing beer bottle without the inconvenience of actually consuming beer!".

Beer Opener, you see, lets you pretend to open a real-world bottle. You hold your iPhone over the bottle, grab the virtual cap that pops up on the screen, and open away - without the terrible hassle of having to drink the thing. Missing the point?

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NEXT PAGE: Five runners up

  1. The apps that are a waste of time
  2. Kiss Me and Passion
  3. Learn the alphabet the fun way
  4. Rate your farts
  5. Drunk Sniper and Beer Opener
  6. Five runners up


The iPhone has plenty of powerful applications - and it also has things like Beer Opener, Passion, and Sexy Girl Talk. Here are our picks for the 10 most idiotic apps around.

5 runners-up

We couldn't possibly fit every dumb iPhone app into a single story, but five others stood out enough to deserve at least a quick mention:

1. SimStapler: Virtual stapling sensation, because the real office stapler gets too busy.

2. Hold On: See how long you can hold your finger on a button on the screen. A grueling challenge made for the same type of people who'd use FatBurner2k.

3. eShaver: Feeling a little scruffy at work? eShaver won't help with that, but it will make you look like a moron.

4. Proposal (Will You Marry Me?): A surefire way to get an immediate rejection.

5. Zips: Drag a virtual zip up and down to your heart's content. Enjoy it, as with this app in tow, you'll never be performing that action on another human.

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See also: 10 best iPhone apps for business

  1. The apps that are a waste of time
  2. Kiss Me and Passion
  3. Learn the alphabet the fun way
  4. Rate your farts
  5. Drunk Sniper and Beer Opener
  6. Five runners up