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Those Haynes Manuals-If you use one- this is guide is a must have


SparkyJack

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This is the Ultimate User Manual

How to read Haynes manuals

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer a guidenticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read the instructions before y guideou start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good plie guiders to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you. guide Haynes: One spanner rating. Translation: An 3 year old could do this... so how did you manage to screw it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map o guidef the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating. Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating. Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. guide Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully... guide Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. guide

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... guide Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift... Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. guide

Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book, exept what you need to do.

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Quickbeam

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Has anyone you know ever bought one of these Haynes manuals?

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SparkyJack

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Has anyone you know ever bought one of these Haynes manuals?

Me over the years for verious cars, also they are/were written for domestic appliances such Washing machines- Our c entral Library held a selection of those for the kenner DIYer

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Quickbeam

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I sold a lot of mine off that I'd collected over the years on Ebay last year.

Quite a lot of them got a decent £5/8. My Triumph, Suzuki & Norton bike ones got £15ish. Some didn't even get a 99p bid with a £3 postage such as Cortina, Granada, Avenger & the like. They went to the local PDSA charity shop, and are still there the last I noticed for 50p!

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amonra

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"After removing the xyz pin, refer to page 48 before removing......"

Who smeared this black oil all over page 48 ? Why didn't you tell me that it was well nigh impossible to remove that solid lump of rust you refer to as a 13mm nut ? Oh, the joys of motoring.

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morddwyd

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"Has anyone you know ever bought one of these Haynes manuals?"

Bought my son the Spitfire one for Christmas last year (Supermarine, not Triumph) (sorry FE, but it's in context!).

Don't know if he's used it yet though!

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WhiteTruckMan

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Haynes - 'simply remove'. Translation: You've no chance matey! We did our strip down on a 6 month old car that still has the manufacturers fil of oil on, not your 15 year old dog that's caked in mud, rust and metalworm!

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oresome

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I purchased one last year to help diagnose a fault on the car. I was particularly interested in the wiring diagram for the cooling fan.

Of course there had been several variants over the years and Hayes reproduced a "typical" circuit diagram which bore no resemblance to the wiring on the actual car I had.

It did help me get to the fan, which involved removing the wheels, taking the wheel arch liners out, disconnecting the fog lights and removing the front bumper...........Oh I do love those one liners that take hours to figure out and accomplish!

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WhiteTruckMan

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I've also noticed the physical quality of the (car) books has gone seriously downhill. I still have all of mine and can see the difference. Books printed in the 70's & 80's still have a quality feel to them, admittedly with lots of oily prints on them. But I got one last year for my current car and I wouldnt dare wipe my behind with it for fear of splinters!

WTM

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Picklefactory

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WTM

Maybe they've just made them more abrasive to make them easier to grasp with oily hands and to stop them sliding about so much.

Top marks for your recycling efforts though ;o)

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LastChip

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WTM, you're right and actually, the quality of writing has gone downhill also. Coupled with images that can only have been taken with a Kodak Brownie, it's hard to justify buying them anymore.

Another originally wonderful product, gone to the dogs and no doubt, all in the name of cutting costs.

After all, what good is a manual if it's as good as unreadable?

SparkyJack's spoof, is probably closer to the truth than is comfortable.

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