Working Hard

  Shopgirl 17:11 PM 13 Oct 12

I am a hard working 48 year old. I have a 20 year old son I have brought him up well on my own. Now I feel that I need a life now. I am there for my son. I do his washing, Ironing, making sure that he is ok. I have nobody to answer to. I go out when I can and I come home when I want to. My best friend Margaret was on holiday for seven weeks in Turkey. She is 72. A young 72 year old. Her advice to me is 1: I work hard go out and enjoy yourself. 2 : Go out now you are housebound long enough when you cant go out. 3 : Mix with company enjoy life. My shifts are long.I would like your views on this topic.

  Forum Editor 18:03 PM 13 Oct 12

Most people have a view about how they would like their life to be, but for most of us the reality is somewhat different. The real world dictates to us in lots of ways, and the trick is in finding the right compromise between hope and reality.

Your situation is an increasingly common one, and there's no magic answer. The one piece of advice I might offer is that you're going to find all kinds of reasons not to make changes. Your 20 year old son is perfectly capable of looking after himself, but young men are lazy by nature they like having someone around to do the drudgery, and from what you say he is no different.

My mother taught me to wash, iron and cook for myself when I was about 17 years old, and although I grumbled endlessly at the time I was very grateful for the knowledge when I went to university and had to fend for myself. You can do the same with your son, and gently disengage from being his home help. If you don't you'll find it hard to get that life you want for yourself.

  morddwyd 20:11 PM 13 Oct 12

Agree with the FE.

Hard as it is, you've got to get rid of the freeloader, for that is all he is.

Look forward ten years - will he doing the same thing?

If so then so will you.

Ours was exactly that age when we said to him "We're off to Germany and you can't come".

Very hard, but very necessary.

  woodchip 20:15 PM 13 Oct 12

There is no one fit all solution

  Kevscar1 00:51 AM 14 Oct 12

Shopgirl Get out now and do it because you ever know what tomorrow brings. At 54 I was the top in my company in the country, owned 2 timeshares paid cash for everything I wanted. had a small heated swimming pool in the back garden. All that changed in half an hour. Now I'm a cripple barely able to walk, barely surviving on benefits and will never have a hliday or even a night out again so take the opportunity while you can.

  rdave13 01:05 AM 14 Oct 12

Excellent advice here I must say. Easy to advise, hard to follow. Do what your heart dictates, then your honest feelings will see you right.

  Condom 09:16 AM 14 Oct 12

As Woodchip says there is no one fit solution. Many of us on here will have sons and they are all individuals who will develop at different rates and wish to do different things with their lives. What is important for you is your life. He is your son and no doubt you love him very much so do what you think is best for him.

Encourage him to begin ironing his own clothes and show him how to do it properly. Also do the same thing with cooking and encourage him to perhaps do a meal for you both once a week and see how it goes. Washing for two is not much onerous than washing for one but it is after that that the problems begin. Her indoors goes bonkers if I stuff her nice things in the drier but all she seems to buy are non drier clothes. All of mine go in the drier fine.

Stick with him and help him and you will see him improve.

  Fruit Bat /\0/\ 10:40 AM 14 Oct 12

Now I feel that I need a life now

Yes you do

tell him he's going to learn to cook wash and iron and why (you won't be there forever [you'll be out enjoying your own life]). Yes he'll grumble but once you stop when he starts to get hungry / run out of clothes he'll come round.

I was just as bad at his age and still probably rely too much on my wife to do all those sort of things now although I can cook /wash if I need to ;0)

  Bing.alau 15:33 PM 14 Oct 12

Shop girl. Nothing to add really except to say "he's got to go." Tell him that he's a big baby if he can't look after himself at that age. He probably has friends who are already looking after themselves so why shouldn't he?

I used to help my mum do the washing and mangling? and ironing when I was about thirteen/fourteen. Then when I joined the forces it was a doddle, but I must admit there were lads of eighteen who didn't even know how to wash themselves properly never mind look after their clothes. They soon learned of course and he will too.

Good luck in your new life, enjoy it while you can.

  Pine Man 16:36 PM 14 Oct 12

Bring back National Service ;-)

  john bunyan 18:43 PM 14 Oct 12

Bingalau and Pine Man remind me that when I first joined the RM , the first thing we were taught was washing, ironing, darning, personal hygiene, bed making etc. If he does not want to join the Services full time, why not join the TA, RNR or RMR ? It would get him fit and independent, he would often be away at weekends and would earn extra money. ( with risk, of course, of being sent into battle from time to time!)


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