Notice to spammers

  Easterner 15:33 05 Sep 04
Locked

Hello to you all,

It is kind of you to send me greetings and I would like to say that the 364 of you who took the trouble to contact me on Friday have set a record for the account which you used.

I would like to make a few comments which may save some time:

As you may have noticed, the email address that you have sent your communications to ends in .co.uk and, since you are no doubt highly intelligent people who are wondering about the facts, I would like to confirm that this ending is not a con or spoof but actually denotes the location of my home. I am resident in the United Kingdom which my atlas, old though it is (but not nearly as old as myself), has (despite the attempts of our Tone) yet to succeed in becoming the 51st member of the United States of America. In fact I understand from our local (i.e. British) newspapers that our Tone and his friends have effectively promised that we will be joining the United States of Europe (although I am not sure why we need to since they already seem to run us) and this could cause some conflict. I don’t mind if you argue with them about this but they do produce some rather nice wine etc. which I would rather they continued to supply us with.

Given the above, I think that you will agree that the many offers which you have notified me of but which are only available to residents of the United States of America and District of Columbia may be a little difficult for me to take advantage of. Incidentally, if the District of Columbia is not part of the USA, where is it? The only one that I have come across seems to contain the capital city of the country.

I don’t wish to take part in any lotteries via the internet. Should I want to buy a ticket in a lottery, I would rather have the pleasure of partaking in the venerated British custom of queuing endlessly to give someone some real money.

I don’t want to join an online casino. Should I ever feel the need to play Blackjack (which seems to be similar to what we call Pontoon or Vingt-et-Un) or one armed bandits, I think that I would rather have the ‘pleasure’ of the atmosphere of a ‘real’ establishment.

I don’t want to obtain an on-line degree in six months. I doubt that British employers would consider it an advantage to have a member of staff who is qualified as an American paralegal (whatever that is).

I don’t want to join one of your dating sites. I have the world’s most beautiful, loving, kind and compassionate wife who is also the world’s best cook (she who must be obeyed has just told me so and I am not going to argue whilst she has a large frying pan in her hand).

I do not want to enhance that portion of my anatomy. I agree that it is not the most impressive in the world but my wife (see above) seems happy with it.

I do not want to enhance my breasts. I do not wish to have to purchase and wear an additional piece of underwear.

I thank you for the offer of a ‘free’ period of membership of certain sites but I do not wish to visit them. ‘She who must be obeyed’ has told me so.

In short, I do not think that your very kind offers are of great interest to me so please stop, halt, cease, desist and whatever other word may exist in your part of the world. I don’t want it whatever it is!

I would resign from the fraternity but I understand that having once been nominated and accepted as a member, even without one’s knowledge, the membership is lifelong and attempting to quit causes problems.

I am therefore going to ignore the particular email account (this will be the third that I have closed and I have for a long time merely deleted the emails unread anyway) and I would suggest that you communicate with me via my old mate George W. in Pennsylvania Avenue. I am sure that he will be pleased to learn that the spirit of free enterprise is flourishing in your country.

Thank you for your attention.

Have a very unpleasant day.


Rant over. Isn’t it a pity that it will never be seen by them and wouldn’t do any good if they did?

  Dorsai 19:19 07 Sep 04

this is the funniest, truest, most humerous rant i have ever read.


many LOL.

Also well said...

  Easterner 20:46 07 Sep 04

Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Must be truthful though and admit that it was not originally intended as a post. I wrote it to get it out of my system on Friday when I realised just how much spam I had received. The idea of posting it was from a mate who saw the printout I had done and said that the members might like it!

I would have left in what I'd like to do to them but that might have been frowned upon (VoG's link in FE's thunderstorm thread might give a clue to what it is);-)

  Gaz 25 16:25 14 Sep 04

:-) Great post!

  end 01:05 15 Sep 04

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!

the thread I mean , not the spam:)

just how many DO you get?

  Easterner 01:55 15 Sep 04

The particular address in my rant is an old one that started to receive spam and eventually I stopped using it for anything important although there are still people who seem unable to grasp that I have another for my normal use so I have to check it daily (seperately)just in case.

It normaly receives between 100 and 150 spams a day (I did say that it was old) but on that day it collected 235. It felt like more and so I exagerated ;-)

  end 06:53 15 Sep 04

shove Mailwasher on it and have a "field -day" with the spammers:)

I still LOVE the semtiments in your posting...GREAT::))

  Easterner 17:55 15 Sep 04

Thanks for the advice.

Due to kind advice I received from VoG on another matter I am now using Mailwasher and am able to delete them without putting them on my computer but I still see them listed - Oh for a tall tree with many branches so I can use the perpetrators as Xmas decorations :-)

  end 19:02 15 Sep 04

you could always "bounse" them ( off the spikes on the tree!). although other members might disagree with that action

but I love the idea of the , is it now called a "festive tree" "political correctness" or sumunt like it;

yea...go on and put"em on it:)

how many would that give you for a brilliant illumination...

  Easterner 19:15 15 Sep 04

'is it now called a "festive tree" "political correctness" or sumunt like it;'

You're probably right religion has no place on a computer forum ;-)

'how many would that give you for a brilliant illumination...'

Would't that depend on how high an electricity bill you were prepared to get?

  gunner-joe 16:58 17 Sep 04

Dead chuffed to hear a brilliant rant. I thought the end was nigh! Easterner you are a breath of fresh air-MANY CONGRATULATIONS!
Mind you It reminded me of the poor soul who wrote a letter to a computor mag (think it was PCADVISOR) Who declared a firey hatred for all spammers. He admitted to e-mailing all the spammers with a message explaining his hatred for them and also "could they STOP sending him all their junk" I understood his feelings but could not stop laughing, thinking about the size of his over-flowing inbox. I recently had a "HOLIDAY" abroad and on day 3 a nutter drove into me in a head-on-crash,spent a month stuck there and on my return (c.w. broken legs) I opened my mail to 8 hundred and 35 junk e-mails. Thank God the medication is good.!!!Regards GJ

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