Father in law of the bride.

  phil 14:09 15 Jul 06
Locked

My son's fiancee has asked me, her future father in law, to give her away at the wedding.

I don't mind one bit but I was wondering if it is ettiquette or not. Anyone else been in a similar situation?

Her father is around and invited but she doesn't really get on with him and doesn't want him to give her away.

I have to admit he's a bit 'strange' and bursts into tears for the slightest reason. I have said to her that she should ask him first, it is his daughter after all.

Her mothers loopy too. ;)

  Forum Editor 14:27 15 Jul 06

to give her away in marriage, although of course it's traditional that her father does the job.

Your situation is a tricky one, and it's difficult for an ouitsider to offer anything but the most basic advice. I suggest that you have a private and tactful discussion with your future daughter-in-law. Explain to her that although you're honoured by her request it might be best for all concerned if she could bring herself to ask her own father to carry out what is, after all, a very quick duty. It will be over with in a flash, and might make him very happy. Otherwise she risks hurting him, and there's no going back. Her day will be a happy one in any event, and by making this one small gesture for the sake of her father's feelings she may find she feels a whole lot better in the long run.

At all costs I caution you against becoming the filling in a family dispute sandwich.

Bursting into tears isn't the worst thing in the world by the way, even when a man does it. Perhaps her father is feeling emotional about the situation between him and his daughter.

  spuds 14:48 15 Jul 06

Also take into consideration, if there is a celebration meal or drink afterwards, and all are present. Will there be further tensions, if the wrong decision is made?.

  amonra 15:38 15 Jul 06

Weddings and funerals, nothing else guaranteed to cause family upsets. "It was alright until your uncle Jack - - - -"
Try and get her to at least TALK to her father and see if they can compromise on her big day. It's so easy to upset friends and family by some innocent action, however well meant. Compromise, compromise, it just aint worth it.

  SG Atlantis® 15:47 15 Jul 06

Agree with the FE.

Anyone can do it, but it's better that the father do it... nothing wrong with a bloke crying. I cried when my 4yr old took my last sweet. :(

Strange and Loopy? just hope those traits aren't hereditary.

  knockin on 17:10 15 Jul 06

It's worth being careful when suggesting people do "what is better". - We do not, always, know "what is better". This bride will have good reason for not wanting to ask her father, else she would have done it.
FE makes good sense in suggesting a quiet word with the bride, but remember she may not want you to know all that she knows.
You could just make your decision as to whether you wish to do it or not, and leave it at that.
Good luck, you are in a difficult place

  phil 17:12 15 Jul 06

Thanks for all the advice so far. I have talked to her about it and she say's that my son has also mentioned that she should ask her faher first.

It's another 18 months away so there's plenty of time to sort it out.

What I mean by his crying is not an emotional thing. We were all helping them decorate their first apartment two years ago and he wanted to paint it in the colours he wanted and not them.
When they said they preferred a colour they had chosen he went outside and cried, saying we were all picking on him.

When he came back in he dropped a paintbrush and burst into tears again. You name it, he'll cry about it.

He was being treated for it but he was never cured.

Another thing is he's the type of person that, when the vicar asks who objects about the couple marrying, he'd stand up and say something.

If I did agree to giving her away I will try to speak to him about it too. Just to make my position clear.

  Jackcoms 18:49 15 Jul 06

And at the risk of sounding cynical - does 'dad' intend to stump up his share of the wedding costs?

  anskyber 19:39 15 Jul 06

Mmm.... not sure that is the real issue although I see the point. As a Dad who did "give his daughter away" it is a very proud moment. Families are odd... you should see mine; perhaps not. FE has it for me on this, a simple "mistake" can last a long time and the full implications of what has happened may not be apparent for a while.

The "trick" with families is to celebrate the differences. Deep down we all know that we are the only sensible and normal ones.

  freaky 19:43 15 Jul 06

You have to tread very carefully in this situation, and be extremely diplomatic.

Hopefully, your sons's marriage will be for a long time, thus you will know her parent's for a long time.

Possibly your future daughter in law, is concerned that her father may cause embarrassment by crying at the wedding. Nothing really unusual about that, my mother burst out crying at my wedding. After I had been married a few years I realised why !

Fortunately you have 18 months to resolve this quandary - I hope a solution is found that pleases all of those involved.

  josie mayhem 23:46 16 Jul 06

To stop a marrige from going ahead, the person who tries to stop it, would need to prove that they had a legal reason why the marriage can not proceed... Saying that you disagree isn't good enough, so all he will do is show himself up and hold the proceedings up a bit, while it's being sorted... I had this worry with my hubby's ex-wife and inlaws pulling this stunt when we got married!

The good thing you know or supect a situlation, this means that you can work out a plan of action if it does happen... In my case the situlation that I thought might happen did, and because we had already made a plan of action to counter react it, about 10 people (out of 200) at the my wedding reaception knew nothing about it on the night, no disruption to other guests at all they were totaly unaware of the situlation.

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